Just Clearing Some Things Up

Over the past several years I've entertained various questions about goats in general. What is sometimes surprising is the source of these questions. Independent of the 'asker's' upbringing, level of education completed and family life, we've fielded some real doozies! As expected, when placing sale ads for animals you sometimes attract some questionable characters.

I'm looking for a billy goat to milk.  I'm going to tie it to my porch so it can play with my dogs and share their food. When will it start making milk?

There are some strict criteria for even getting an email back from me. 1. Grammar and punctuation (or lack thereof) should be, at least, marginally acceptable. 2. If you can't afford gas to get the goats, or to fix your car to get the goats, or pay to register the goats, you can't feed the goats and certainly can't provide appropriate veterinary care when necessary. 3. Don't ask me for a champion milker producing 2 gallons a day and expect to pay only $75. 4. Be a responsible animal owner. Buy a book. When purchasing goats, don't ask me 'what do they eat?' And don't seem surprised that a ruminant requires hay. And don't expect it to mow your lawn, they really don't care for grass.Those are the big ones.

Then there are the questions we field over and over again. Some you expect, because I, too, was raised without any general knowledge of farming or livestock and probably asked some of these same questions before. Some are just silly.

Will goats eat anything? Even tin cans?

They really prefer pizza. In Manhattan. 

Mine like 'Cool Ranch' flavor better.

But truly, they're really damn picky. High quality alfalfa hay - sneak in some older bales and they promptly pick through it and toss it on the floor. Once on the ground you may as well call it 'bedding' because they wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole unless they were on the verge of starvation. They prefer leafy things over grass, ie clover, weeds over most grasses. There is truth in that they are excellent brush clearing tools and will plow through thistle, ragweed, poison ivy and multiflora rose. But remember, you are what you eat, or in this case, the milk tastes like the food source. Let me tell you, ragweed does not taste so good in my coffee, and this is why goats milk gets a bad name - poor dietary management. And please, adult male in Delaware last year, my goats don't want your greasy fair fries. Nor do they want the cup from your lemon shake. Next time I'll feed goat berries to your kid...

Our first year with goats, I lovingly chopped up some extra veggies from the garden only to have the little buggers snub me, one by one. Some are more daring than others, they generally like sweet potatoes, apples, raisins, carrots, sweeter things, kind of like us human types. Squash, corn, bananas, cucumbers, legumes are hit or miss. Tin cans, paper, plastic and baling twine (dangerous!) are definitely not on the menu.

Ewwww...you drink goats milk??

No, we work our butts off then dump it in the lawn. Of course we drink it! When  you take the care to make sure you feed the animals properly, strain out any hair or debris and just be 'clean', it tastes great. We've slipped it past many an unadventurous palate and many children without a fight. I won't go on about the health benefits and ease of digestion, it can be easily googled. And its getting late. 

Where do they poop?

Goat berries. Compact, neat, little, if any odor. No piles of stanky manure here... (not my hand, by the way)

This one caught me off guard. Ummm, on the ground? 'You mean, they just lay in it?' Yes. 'Well don't you milk them?' Yes, aaaand? 'And you drink it after they've been lying around in shit all day?' Newsflash - you do too!!! No milk is 'born' at the grocery store.

So are the ones with the beards boys? Why don't they have horns?

All goats get beards. we just prefer to clip the girls to make them look prettier. The boys look more masculine with their beards plus it gives them a media to decorate with their own urine during rut. Who are we to deny them the pleasure of shaking their pungent, soaked flowing beards? We remove the horns for safety, theirs and ours. Not pleasant for either of us but it is responsible animal husbandry. Don't call me cruel. Cruel is having a horned goat trapped in an electric fence or letting horns tear through your herdmates udders.

Look at that belly- she is pregnant right?

A big, wide belly is evidence of a large, healthy rumen, the goats fermentation vat to process their food. Pregnant goats can sometimes require a 'wide load' sign and are just gigundous. Others hardly look pregnant at all, even with multiples.

Well I still think she's pregnant...

Nope, definitely not. Those are her kids right over there. 

Are you sure you got them all?

Yes, positive. She's fine. 

Well, her udder is really full, it looks like it hurts, you should probably milk her.

Milking time is in 3 hours. That is a normal appearing udder, she is a productive milker, I assure you, she is fine. 

Whoa, look at the udder on that one, it must be sick!

Uh, that's a buck.

So in review...........................

Don't worry, it won't eat the whole thing. Maybe just the handle.

Well, it looks the same, so hair must be just as good as hay.

Fingers are very nutritious and the meat makes for excellent butterfat content in the milk.

Please! Help me outta here! He tried to milk my scrotum again!